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Post by Melanie Perreault on Jan 30, 2018 20:42:08 GMT -5
September
Dear Oli, Today's our anniversary. Well, it was our anniversary before I broke up with you. Which, I'm sure you don't need reminding of, now that I think about it. However, today especially, I'm regretting that decision to call things off. But, who would have thought that for nearly 3 years we'd make things work? Amanda, of course, is probably especially devastated today. Do you remember how much she gloated on our first anniversary? It was ridiculous. You'd think she was personally responsible for how long we'd been dating. Even last year she still was way too proud of herself. I like to think we were more responsible than she was for the whole success aspect of things than she was, but I'm sure she's an absolute joy today. I don't envy Jade in the slightest. I know I've basically just started working on the ship but it's really hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I know in my e-mails I keep it upbeat, positive, talk about the perks that there are and joke about living in something smaller than Beth's ideal closet, and there really are good things about this and it's an experience that is unique. At some point, I'll probably get more used to it, but for now it's isolating and overwhelming at the same time. I'm surrounded by people; there are literally thousands in such a small area, but at the same time I'm really lonely. I miss Amanda and Jess and Beth and Haylee and Sam, even. I miss my cat. I miss having more of my things and being able to text people whenever I want. I miss seeing them and going out for food and getting instant responses instead of delayed e-mails back. I miss you. I miss sleeping with you, I miss talking with you, I miss kissing you and loving you and just everything about you. I'd probably do anything right now just to be able to see you. To watch you smirk at something or listen to the way that you still have issues saying words that start with h. I'd love to listen to you sleep talk in French. Hell, I'd even go watch a play where you had to spend most of it making out with someone else, because at least it'd mean seeing you. This is probably going to be a weird letter to receive. Oh who am I kidding? I can't send you this letter. There's no way I could actually put this in the mail and let you know all of this. I broke up with you, I don't get to tell you how much I miss you and love you and wish I was still with you. I took the job and I decided that 9 months was far too long to make you wait for me and we both agreed that we'd see where we were when I got off the ship. If I actually sent you this letter then I'd be going back against all of that and you might not go on a date or do anything like I want you to. Not that I want you to date other people, exactly, but I just... I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to have the opportunity to date other people if you want to. I don't want you being disappointed in me because we can't talk. If we were still dating today... I mean, I wouldn't even get you an e-mail. I could have tried to time a letter out to arrive but even then it's not the same. Who wants to be dating someone they can't talk to on their anniversary? You don't deserve that. And though you've always been the one in this couple who deserved more (because, let's face it, of the two of us, you've always had a bit more to offer me than I have you), I have to admit that I don't deserve it either. Both of us, we deserve to be in relationships with people who can have time for us. Although I'd hope that even if you've got a date planned, you'd cancel it for tonight. Not that I want you to be like me, sadly scribbling away a letter that you'll never send in your room, wishing that you could just skip work today. Not that, you know, you have a job, but classes. I wish I could send you this letter though. Because it's really so strange not to be able to talk to you, to tell you most everything and though I've always stood firm that we are separate people, who have our own lives that aren't defined by our involvement with one another... my life feels pretty much like a huge chunk has been taken out of it. To a lesser extent, it'd because all my friends are so far away, but at least I know that they're still there and will be there when I get back. You, on the other hand, I have no clue where you'll be when I get back and the thought that our relationship might fade to nothingness, that we might just become distant friends... I feel like a large part of me is gone without you. Not that I don't know who I am or that you took up so much of me - though, in a way, you did - but just that you seemed to enhance all the weakest parts of myself. You made me better and without your support, those parts seem to fade back to what they once were. I guess I never realized how much you helped me grow and I somehow have to figure out how to keep doing that on my own. I'll be honest, I've got no idea where in the world I'm supposed to start. And it's a problem for another time because I have to go. Not that you'll know that, since this will get stashed away or maybe thrown away, but it's comforting to think that maybe, in some lifetime I'd have the courage to send you a letter like this. So maybe I'll keep it, in case I happen to change my mind. I lo I miss you, Mel
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Post by Melanie Perreault on Jan 30, 2018 20:42:57 GMT -5
November Dear Oli, I just had the most awkward date ever. Seriously, if it was pretty terrible and really embarrassing. If my life was a tv show, I'd be in a situational comedy and millions of people would be laughing about how God awful the date was. Without a doubt it was the worst date (besides the Jake thing, but I think it's better we never mention that as a date) that either of us have ever been on and I can say that not even knowing what your dates not with me were like. And, yes, I'm even including the time when I insisted we go to that new Thai restaurant and we both ended up with food poisoning and spent the night taking turns throwing up in my dorm room. Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're like, Melanie, there's no way that you could have had a date worse than that. Well, you know how I know it was worse than the Thai Food Disaster of 2014? I actually told the story of the Thai Food Disaster of 2014 on the date. That's right, I turned the conversation to the worst date that we ever had. Why would I do that? Honestly, I've got no clue. The better question would have probably been why was that the moment that I realized how horribly the date was going? Like, if I get to the point where I'm telling stories about the two of us throwing up all over everything, what is even wrong with me? Here's a recap of everything that happens before I get to that point: Luc picks me up, very punctual, very nicely dressed. I'm wearing the dress I wore when I met your parents, you know, the one that Beth convinced me to buy that you told me doesn't look like it even belongs to me? Yeah, that's the one. Being the nice gentlemen that he is, he compliments me on my appearance and tells me that I look beautiful and the dress looks great on me. I smile and say, "Thanks, my sister helped me pick it out when I was going to meet Oli's parents." That's right, I open my big mouth about you literally two minutes into a date. Which, was awkward and I apologized immediately, but he brushed it off and told me that it wasn't a big deal. So, we get to the place where we're going to be eating an early dinner - we've got to get back to the ship before we leave Port at 9 PM, after all. He holds my chair and starts asking me how I got interested in working for the Disney company. Which, of course, means that I dive into the story of the time we all went to Disney together. Looking back on it, when he said, "So you first went to Disney with your ex?" I should have nodded awkwardly and stressed that it wasn't just with you but with our friends as well and we barely did any couple activities. What I should not have done was, of course, what I actually did. Which was nod and go, "Yeah. It was sort of a couples trip with all of our friends. I mean, we spent most of the time together, but there was an all couples day where we had time alone and Oli and I went to Animal Kingdom because he let me pick where I wanted to go and he'd already been to Disneyland Paris a lot back in France-" Luc cuts me off and goes, "Oh, he was French?" Which, did I mention before now that Luc was French-Canadian? I don't think I did. Anyway, it left a sort of sour look on his face, that again, I probably should have noticed at the time. Instead, being the master of observation that I was, I simply nodded and continued on. "Yeah, he's from Lyon. I mean, he's living in Paris right now, but anyway, so he let me pick and we saw Festival of the Lion King together for the second time and when I got out I turned to him and told him that it was the dream to work there. That show, it'd be amazing to be a part of, but you know, I'm also interested in working for Disney in any of their parks." I did pick up when he raised an eyebrow and dryily asked if Paris happened to be at the top of the list. To which I assured him that it was not because Animal Kingdom was at the top of the list, but didn't bother to point out that after Orlando, Paris is at the top of the list. For about twenty minutes after that I managed to stay clear of mentioning you and then it just started happening again. I swear, it was honestly disgusting how much I talked about you and without even thinking about it. Luc actually got up and walked out mid-dessert while I happened to be telling the Thai Food Disaster of 2014 story. I mean, he left money to cover tip and his food, but he left me there sitting awkwardly with a bunch of people staring at me. And, get this, a gay couple sitting next to me turned and told me that I deserved it because I really shouldn't talk about my ex so much when on a date with a new person. It was mortifying. I gathered up my stuff and tried to pay my bill as quickly as possible. I was almost crying and the worst part is that like, even then, I couldn't help but be like, Oli would have spoken up sooner and not just walked out. You, Olivier François, have ruined my date without even being present. It's quite a feat. I'm almost impressed, if I weren't entirely humiliated about the fact that I'll have to see Luc every day until the end of my contract. Worse, Amanda and Jess know about this date (you don't, obviously, I wasn't going to e-mail you about going out with someone) so I'll have to tell them about this and they are going to be terribly unhelpful. Of course, you're also never going to know about this date unless Amanda happens to tell you... which, she might. Ugh. I'm already cursing her for it, but there's not much I can do except tell her not to and hope she listens. I've actually got to get to sleep because tomorrow morning I've got character handling duty at first set. Lucky me. I still miss you, Mel
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Post by Melanie Perreault on Jan 30, 2018 20:43:55 GMT -5
January Dear Oli, I think I'm having a bit of a breakdown right now. It's New Years Eve. Well, technically it's New Years Day now, considering that it's like 2 AM. Happy 2016. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm like in the Caribbean and you're in France so it'd been 2016 for a few hours for you, and if I had any intention of sending this letter than it'd be way past the start of 2016 by the time that you read it anyway. Oh well. For me, it's a sad 2 AM realization that I'm utterly alone this new years while Amanda is with Jade, Beth is with Sam and Jessica is with Porter. Hell, it's possible even you rang in the New Year with someone. God, I should not be crying at the idea of you kissing someone at midnight at some stupid party. You should be kissing someone at midnight at some stupid party. I should have been kissing someone at midnight. I did not though. I was working. I know, crazy, shock, right? And it doesn't even bother me that much because like, who cares if I'm not partying in the New Year, but I just... I've been on this ship for five months now. Five months and in a lot of ways, I'm doing great and those stupid e-mails I send you that don't tell you half the truth of anything I'm thinking or feeling, they do reflect a part of my life here. Of course I can't tell you about nights like tonight though when I'm crying in my stateroom watching Up on demand because I just give into all the sadness. For one thing, I've never got internet access on nights like tonight, when I'd be sad enough and brave enough to send all my feelings to you. To tell you the truth of how much it kills me sometimes to think about the fact that I haven't seen you in seven months. It's stupid, but I wonder about you sometimes. About stupid things, even, I'll see someone who looks remotely like you and wonder about how long your hair is right now or if you've been shaving or staying scruffy. I wonder if you dress a bit more like you did our first year of high school now that you're back in France, or if you've kept the same style that I've grown accustomed to. I wonder if you've changed your soap products to things that they have in France or if you keep the same brands. I wonder if you miss the Academy or speaking English every day or if it's a relief not to. I wonder how often Amanda calls and how often you and Jess talk. Too often I wonder about if you're on a date at this very moment or how many other girls are noticing you and wondering things about you. And I wonder if you wonder things about me, any of the small things that I wonder about you - of course, they couldn't be exactly the same since, you know, I'm not in France and on a cruise ship instead. It's all stupid, how much time you're on my mind. Like, I'm pretty sure I didn't even spend this much time actively thinking about you when we were dating. Or maybe I did but I just didn't notice because instead of wondering if you'd switched shampoo or something, I was busy actually spending time with you and doing stuff together. I didn't have to wonder about your showering habits. Holy sweet Jesus, it was a terrible idea to actively start thinking about your showering habits. I mean, the shower I have here is barely big enough to turn around in but God the thought of being in it with you... ugh. The levels of sexual frustration I've been feeling since I've started on this trip are not healthy. Maybe if I could stop thinking about you all the time I could try and get laid to do something about it, but I think it's pretty obvious that that's not likely to happen. I'm a level of pathetic that I never thought I'd be, which is another reason why I very obviously could never actually send you any stupid letter that I write because I'd seem like Noah in The Notebook with all of them. Oh my God, I just talked about The Notebook in this. I willingly brought Nicholas Sparks into a letter that I was writing. I know I'm having a breakdown now if I'm talking about The Notebook and comparing myself to a character in it. Even Beth would be concerned if she noticed this. Not that Beth isn't concerned all the time already. It's crazy that she's due to have her daughter around the time my contract ends. Also crazy that I will not have seen her pregnant at all if she does give birth before I get back. Wow, that makes me feel even more like I'm missing so much. Anyway, the point is, she's always e-mailing me about how worried she is about me and any time I actually call her, she bursts into tears because she's so happy to talk to me and know I'm okay. I do not envy Sam in the slightest. How he manages to deal with all those tears is beyond me, but I'm not pushing to take his place. Maybe there are some perks to the fact that I'll have missed the majority of Beth's pregnancy after all. It's getting late. I mean, it was late when I started this letter... wait, should I even call these letters when I never send them? Who knows maybe someday- okay screw it, I think we both know (and I obviously mean myself and the you that isn't going to read these letters, but would know if you did manage to have somehow read them while I was writing them and could comment on the likelihood of me sending them) that I am not going to send these letters. The point is, I need to go to sleep. I wish I was with you, Mel
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Post by Melanie Perreault on Jan 30, 2018 20:44:33 GMT -5
February Dear Oli, I had another date. In terms of dates, I'd say that it was better than the Thai Disaster of 2014, but not as good as the Ripped Pants Incident of 2013. If that gives you some perspective on the matter, since I, once again, did not actually tell you about the upcoming date in any e-mails because it'd be far too weird. Actually, this time I didn't even tell Amanda about it so that if it went as terribly as The Most Awkward Date Ever, she couldn't tell you because she wouldn't know. I only let Jess know that it was coming up, well, and Bethanie because she's worried that I'm still hung up on you and it's making me too sad (I shudder to think how badly she'd react if I told her how I write you letters I never send because I can't stand not being able to tell you everything). Anyway, It was supposed to be like an early Valentine's Day thing (which I'm glad it wasn't an actual Valentine's Day date because that would have sucked and to be honest, I wouldn't have said yes to a real Valentine's Day date). So here's what you need to know about Carlos, he's a waiter, very nice, from Spain. Very polite, dark coloring, a nice accent. Not much in common with you, which is why I said yes because after the Most Awkward Date Ever, I figured it'd be best to have little to remind me of you. And I'm going to be honest, I managed to go most of the date without even thinking about you. I made conversation without talking about you, I didn't wear the dress that I met your parents in, and we had a decent time together during the actual date portion of things. Which was why we headed back toward my stateroom and when he went in for a good night kiss I was okay with it. I'll be even more honest, the kissing was decent. Nothing amazing, but decent enough that I was enjoying it a little. Enough that he pushed me against the door and we kept kissing and right, I'm doing my best not to be comparing the two of you and just like enjoy being kissed. So we part for like air and stuff and he murmurs, "Melody." And so naturally, I pull away very confused and I'm like, "Umm? My name is Melanie?" It seems that at first he didn't realize that he'd said anything and then he seemed to figure out that he'd actually spoken aloud. He turns beat red and apologizes and goes, "I'm sorry. You've been really great, Melanie, but I've spent the whole night thinking about my ex girlfriend Melody." Turns out, his ex-girlfriend Melody was a dancer, who got transferred to another ship a few months ago and broke up with him. Other similarities between us included our hair color, eye color, general build and even our personalities. That's right, I was on a date with someone who was using me as a stand in for someone else. It actually makes me feel sort of worse about the whole Luc situation. Though to be fair, he looked nothing like you, I didn't say yes to him to stand in for you and I clearly didn't handle things the same way. Yet, somehow, I have a feeling when I tell Jessica about this she's going to be very amused. And Bethanie would probably cry for me if I told her the truth, so I think I'm just going to lie and say that we had nothing in common and decided afterward that it was better suited just to be a friendship. Come to think of it, she'll probably still cry when I tell her that, but at least she won't pity me quite as much. I hope. I actually shouldn't have told her about it at all, because thinking about it even more I'm pretty sure there is no way I could have gotten out of this date with her being happy unless the date had gone spectacularly well and even then I'm sure she would have found something to cry about and pity me for. Maybe I need a little bit of pity though. I'm sure that the dates that you're going on aren't quite nearly so horrendous. Then again, technically I'm not for sure that you're going on any dates at all. No one tells me about the dates that you're going on, assuming you are going on them. Which makes sense, I mean, I don't foresee you talking to Jess about who you're dating and if you were going on great dates and telling Amanda about them she wouldn't want to tell me about it after I'd had the Worst Date Ever. Lord knows none of your dates would accidentally call you like, Oliver or something. Then again, no one would date you to remind you of someone else unless they were seriously deranged and I can see you handling it much better than I did. I realize I didn't even tell you the topper on the situation, so clearly I was curious about this ex-girlfriend because I had to know why I'd been reminding him of Melody and got all those answers. At the end he started crying about it and I just stood there awkwardly, hugging him and telling him it was going to be okay even though that was a total lie and then when he called me out to ask how I knew. Which of course, I couldn't just lie and I admitted that I didn't know shit because I'm still so invested in you and then suddenly I was crying too and we were both just standing there in the tiny ass hallway, crying and awkwardly hugging one another. How is that for the end of a date? If my life was a situational comedy, it'd be a sad, sad comedy where people would laugh out of pity. Does it even need saying that I still miss you? Mel
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Post by Melanie Perreault on Jan 30, 2018 20:45:07 GMT -5
March Dear Oli, I just got offered an extension on my contract. Another nine months if I want it and for all the rough patches that there have been, I'm actually considering it. Life here... it's so different and unique and I've had so many amazing opportunities. I feel bonded with the rest of the entertainment staff, I love spreading the 'Disney Magic'. I've had a lot of great times even if my letters to you haven't been written during the best of them. I haven't told anyone yet about the offer. I think it's something that I need to decide for myself without the input of others. While I do think Jess would be the most impartial person to tell - not because she'd want me to stay, but because she'd care enough about my happiness to accept it if I did decide to stay - I haven't been able to even bring it up in the last e-mail I sent. It's still too recent and too fresh and I need to sort out my feelings before anything else. I could see myself doing this for another nine months. Taking the 3 month break between contracts and going to meet my new niece, going to see Amanda and Jessica and maybe even you. Okay, let's be honest. I can't renew my contract for the same reason I'm even considering renewing it, which is, of course, largely to do with you. The pros and the cons of staying on board weigh about equal. You are the tipping point in either favor. If you're somehow still single, if you haven't moved on and I've got a shot to try and make things right with you, I've got to take that. I've got to go back to you because I can't... I'm still not past you. I still wonder about how your hair is cut and if you miss me. I still dream about kissing you and long for your arms to be around me (ignore the fact that I used the word long like we're in some cheesy romance novel because it's absolutely true, no matter how cheesy it is). I feel like my bed is too small even though we both know I have no trouble taking it up because I don't have you to sleep with. And if I didn't have to miss you, if I could just love you and be with you, that would be enough for me. But if you've moved on, if you're happy with someone else then I think I need to do the same, officially. I'd have to know. And I could just ask you, I could e-mail you and put myself out of the misery of wondering but.. I'm terrified, Oli. You make me scared and it's ridiculous because I was the one who broke us up, but the thought of having the definite yes that you've moved on is too hard to even accept. While the worry that you might weighs down the possibility that you haven't, the opposite is true as well. The thought of you moving on, without certainty of it, allows for some hope to help get me through. But I think that if I stayed on, if you'd moved on, I'd be sort of running away from trying to start my new life. Right now our fate as a couple hangs in the balance, it's not definite. There's the plan, the see where we are plan, and I want that plan to pan out. I need to see where you are, even if it's not where I wish you were, I think I need to see it in person. I need to see you, to move forward either with you or by myself. Either way, I can't avoid seeing you. I'm going to reject the extension. My contract will come to an end in a few weeks and I'll go to Michigan, I'll meet my niece and spend time with my parents. I'll set up a visit to Jessica in England and then... I guess I'll see if you want to see me while I'm there. Since, it just occurred to me that maybe you won't actually want to see me. But, in case you do, in case you're in a place where we can make things work, I'll keep an eye out for posting for job auditions for Disneyland Paris. Not that I'll tell you or Jessica or anyone else that because it'd be putting far too much knowledge out there as to how much I'm ready to just do whatever it takes to be with you. I don't regret my choices. I can't regret the experiences I've had on board or what this oppertunity will do for me later. And I do think I'd have always regretted it if I'd just followed you blindly without attempting to follow my dreams, to do something that I'd always wanted to do. I just wish I'd been brave enough to ask you to wait, as you'd told me you would have. And I know there's the bullshit about if we're supposed to be together it'll all work out but... I honestly don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself if things don't work out. Or how I'd manage to handle it if you were happy with another girl. I love you, Oli. I love you and I'm sorry that I didn't send any of these stupid letters and I'm sorry that I won't because it could be far too late to do so now. But I love you and I miss you and I'm praying that somehow you still feel the same way, but if you don't, if you've moved on then I promise that I'll do what I need to do to be happy for you. You've always deserved the best, after all, and I could never begrudge you for doing what I said and not waiting. I just, I wanted to have it out there somehow. I wanted to write the truth down, just in case I never get to say it again. Yours, always, Mel
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